around 1am today, i received the news of a first cousin's death. strange enough, nobody in the house told me about it directly as if nobody wants to be the source of bad news. i learned about it through, guess what? facebook. i saw my mom's post asking for prayers for my cousin's soul. i froze when i read it. froze in disbelief initially and then just stayed frozen. i was shocked and i couldn't harbor any other emotion after that.
as of writing, i still couldn't say that i feel sad about his death though i seem afloat since i've learned of it. i still haven't cried and i couldn't guess if i ever would. there is peace in my heart and i thank God for it. this is the peace which i know comes from the knowledge that God has plans and that everything happens according to His purpose. one purpose i know is this tug i strongly feel in my heart right now. the tug that speaks, "minister to your family."
right after being given the opportunity to share about how we should work our own gardens of eden, God challenged me right away to apply it.
"to work is to use and shape the things that God had made for good purposes," i remember myself echoing john piper. this is the kind of work that we should be doing in our gardens - in the places where God has placed us - the workplace, school, relationships and as God is so loudly impressing it to me right now, our families. i am called to shape - i am called to influence my family. i am called to pay attention to them, to minister to them and PRAY FOR THEM NOW that they are still here on earth and not when they have already passed away. my mom said, "please pray for his soul" and i don't know how to tell her that i don't think it will help anymore. our prayers at this point can no longer help him reach what we might all deem as his rightful destination. his soul will go where it's destined to go.
and this is where it starts to hurt now.
where is he headed? did he repent when he was still here on earth? did he accept Jesus as his personal savior and Christ? did he receive his salvation by faith? it hurts that i do not know the answers to these and it hurts more that i didn't do anything for the answers to these questions to read, "heaven", " yes", "yes","yes"
it hurts to not have the confidence that i will see him on the other side.
looking at it now, it could have been better if i can just deem his death as a going away to another place and that in time, i will see him there. it could have been a lot better that way.
i do not want another round of this. so i pray for the courage and for opportunities to share and to minister to my family so that we may claim our salvation together and be sure of our destination, so that we may all spend our lives living according to His will.
