where are you going?

around 1am today, i received the news of a first cousin's death. strange enough, nobody in the house told me about it directly as if nobody wants to be the source of bad news. i learned about it through, guess what? facebook. i saw my mom's post asking for prayers for my cousin's soul. i froze when i read it. froze in disbelief initially and then just stayed frozen. i was shocked and i couldn't harbor any other emotion after that.

as of writing, i still couldn't say that i feel sad about his death though i seem afloat since i've learned of it. i still haven't cried and i couldn't guess if i ever would. there is peace in my heart and i thank God for it. this is the peace which i know comes from the knowledge that God has plans and that everything happens according to His purpose. one purpose i know is this tug i strongly feel in my heart right now. the tug that speaks, "minister to your family."

right after being given the opportunity to share about how we should work our own gardens of eden, God challenged me right away to apply it.  

"to work is to use and shape the things that God had made for good purposes," i remember myself echoing john piper. this is the kind of work that we should be doing in our gardens - in the places where God has placed us - the workplace, school, relationships and as God is so loudly impressing it to me right now, our families. i am called to shape - i am called to influence my family. i am called to pay attention to them, to minister to them and PRAY FOR THEM NOW that they are still here on earth and not when they have already passed away. my mom said, "please pray for his soul" and i don't know how to tell her that i don't think it will help anymore. our prayers at this point can no longer help him reach what we might all deem as his rightful destination. his soul will go where it's destined to go.


and this is where it starts to hurt now.


where is he headed? did he repent when he was still here on earth? did he accept Jesus as his personal savior and Christ? did he receive his salvation by faith? it hurts that i do not know the answers to these and it hurts more that i didn't do anything for the answers to these questions to read, "heaven", " yes", "yes","yes"
it hurts to not have the confidence that i will see him on the other side.

looking at it now, it could have been better if i can just deem his death as a going away to another place and that in time, i will see him there. it could have been a lot better that way.

i do not want another round of this. so i pray for the courage and for opportunities  to share and to minister to my family so that we may claim our salvation together and be sure of our destination, so that we may all spend our lives living according to His will.

asaph

today, i woke up to a battle i am a not stranger to.

this isn't my first time. yet i do not have battle scars - i have wounds. wounds that still haven't healed since my first year in this battle. i have bruises that haven't lightened up so much yet.i could not count the number of times i wished to get killed. can no longer recall how often I have lost my desire to win. i am weary. i am tired. very.

it seems as if there would be no end to this. it feels like a cycle - a cycle that would just lead me to defeat that i no longer see the point in fighting. to be fair, there were times that i felt as if through some magical force, i am strong enough to win but to my doom, the magic fades away and i'm back to dragging my aching body through this.

i have nothing but metaphors to explain how i am feeling at the moment. it's either i win or i lose and i want either of them to happen now so i may already officially leave the battleground.

but God spoke to me this morning.

"When I tried to understand all this, it was oppressive to me till I entered the sanctuary of God..." - Psalm 73:16-17a

i have always thought of it as losing battle - me getting hurt for no gain, no victory but God reminded of what team i belong to. i belong to His team - the winning team therefore, no hurt, no pain will go in vain. God has already won every battle for me and all i have to do is fight like a winner. rock it as i am with THE I AM - THE ROCK.

"My flesh and my heart may fail, but God is the strength of my heart and my portion forever."

-Psalm 73:26

roar.

to receive anger when i am fragile is awful.

okay, you are tired.
okay, i might have a feeling of discontent.


but i do not deserve anger when i try to talk.
i do not deserve it when i try to talk because i'm confused.

fine, if you're tired of talking about these things.
fine, you're tired.
fine.

and i'll be fine.

excuse the vagueness.

i woke up with a heavy heart. it was still the heaviness from last night which, for some reason, i couldn't shake off. i've been trying to understand why i am this affected considering the absence of a direct relationship with that person.

probably because of the photo of a fallen world that flashed before me, of the reality of the presence of the enemy that overwhelmed me. probably because i looked up to him. probably because it was him whom God has used to open my eyes to His grace.

i can go on with a lot of probably-s but i can never quite picture why a part of me is aching.

or here is another way to think it, maybe because the church is a body and each of us is its parts. when one part gets injured, the rest feels the pain or the discomfort at least.

the encouragement i guess is that not one aching part should put the whole body down. instead, the healthy parts should help the suffering one recuperate and eventually the body will be in pink health again.

the body will not be able to do it on its own. it has its natural ways, yes but the greater encouragement and what should be claimed is that Somebody Higher, Somebody Greater, will refresh the body.

i believe that God can turn what the evil meant to be bad into something good, into something beautiful, something breath taking.

You make beautiful things.

i am fighting my tears as i look at photos of the UP Pep Squad in last saturday's cheerdance competition. it just becomes so clear to me, that after being a Christian, the second thing i am most proud of is being an iskolar ng bayan.

as a christian, i cry tears of joy for every soul won for the Lord, for every victory offered to Him - for His glory.
as a UP student, i cry tears of joy for every triumph of a kapwa-isko, for every glorious representation of my alma mater.

this time around, the victory of the UP Pep Squad is just way too overwhelming - both as a christian and as an iska.

an article by josiah israel albelda reported:

It's 11pm and around three dozen blondes are gathered in a circle belting out a song with the words, "Lord, I'm amazed by You."

And in his other article, he shared:

"Grabe. I can't find words to describe how I feel," UP assistant coach NJ Antonio told Yahoo! College Hoops. "We owe it to God. He was the one who made this possible."

and here i am fighting my tears again. to see that what they did was beautiful is one thing and to know why it was beautiful was another. to know that they recognize where their strength came from, to know whom they have dedicated and owed it to is just so beautiful - there are no words.

Jitters.

I sit here jittery.

Waiting for something i do not really know to come.
Waiting for what could be the end, or probably the beginning.
Either of them, i could not find the courage to attach the adverb "fortunately".

I feel I'm at my most ungracious, which is not good.
I could tolerate very little things right now.
I can hardly appreciate a joke.

God, do not leave me.
I really, really need your presence right now. More so, your wisdom.

someday.

someday, i will marry a man who will leave me sweet notes on the table.
who'll give me roses without the need for an occasion.
who'll wake me up with his kisses and put me to sleep with his embrace.
who'll make me a song, a poem, a story or just even a blog entry.

who'll tell his friends about me.
who'll squeeze me in his family.
who'll thank and praise God everyday for me.

someone who'll ask me from Him.

someone who'll truly love me.

want rant

i've been trying to figure out what i really want the past days.

i want peace.
i want us okay.

however, there's a far stronger want that needs to be satisfied. i think.

i want to be wanted and to feel that i am.

and i believe that might need a bit of creativity.
or instinct. like giving it to me without me really trying to tell you.
without asking. or begging.
i want to feel wanted that i won't even think of asking for it.

want me like a child does a cone of ice cream.
not like something you cannot live without but like something that makes you happy.
like the beach to a beach bum. or the sunshine to a morning person.
want me like you want your heart to smile again.


let's go be happy.