See, I want to be okay.

I'm writing to tell something about my anxiety.
And I don't know where to begin.

I remember him leaving for camp 4 or 5 months ago.
I remember completely what happened the last time we met before he left.
I remember completely how we were.
I remember how we were talking over the phone days before he left.
I remember how we were talking in the first few days of his stay there.
I remember almost the very line he told me on his first day there when I asked him about his co-campers, he said they were okay but he'd prefer to be in the company of that one person he wanted to be with - that one person he wanted to be with was me.
I remember how we would tell me almost everyday that he misses me, that he can't wait to get home.
I remember how every good night was sealed with an i love you.
I remember how we would make believe that we were in each other's arms every night. "Halika nga dito. Tulog ka sa tabi ko."
I remember these things very well.
Every sweet, little thing.

But I remember every bitter bit as well.
Weeks passed and I found myself waiting for the i miss you's to come.
Weeks passed and I found myself not waking up to a good morning nor sleeping with a good night.
Weeks passed and I found myself seeing things slowly change.
Weeks passed and I found myself looking for the Caleb who promised to come back.

And then camp was over.
He came back but not as he has promised.
He came back to break all his promises.

Skyflakes.
Boracay.
Paris.
The 5 lifetimes more.

After a month... ALL GONE.

I still cry at the thought of it, yes.
But I try to pick myself up whenever I remember the reason he has given me... it was a command from Him.

It took me months to absorb this.
Up until present, honestly, the sponge in me tries to squeeze it out still once in a while.

Today, he's leaving again.
Leaving again for camp.

And I have never been as anxious.

Anxious yes because I no longer want surprises when he gets back again.
But more anxious on how I'll be able to go through it once more.

See, I want to be okay.
At peace in the knowledge that My God has everything under control.
I want to completely surrender it to Him.
Submit to Him my worries.
Believe in what He has reminded me yesterday that there is a reward to obedience.
Believe in His promises, that His plans are best.

I want to forget about what happened the last time.
I want to forget about the broken promises.
The aborted plans.

I just really really want to start over.
I just want to be okay.

I really, really, really want to surrender.
And just go through this with the knowledge that the man I love, loves God more than anything else, more than anyone else. And that this is the very thing that God wants of me - to love Him more than anything else, more than anyone else.

To trust Him over others.
To believe in His promises and not in others'.

Father, I plead before you.
I am weak but You are strong and from You, let me draw strength.
Father, keep me close. Keep me very, very, very close.
Make it easier, lovelier this time, Father.

No more tears, Father. Just genuine delight in what he is experiencing there.
In the thought that he is becoming a blessing there.
Father, please.

Keep me very, very, very close.
Continue to remind me that You are God so that I may be still in the knowledge of it.