And I remember how Marian said it,
Focus on the Promise-giver, not on the promise.
I want to do that, Father.
I want to. I want to.
Will do.
Friday, November 20, 2009
Friday, October 30, 2009
Love Love Love
Father, I praise you.
I praise you for the opportunity to grow in your guidance and Love.
Allow me to trust in you more, Father.
Not want, not expect just trust and believe in your power and goodness.
I LOVE YOU!
I praise you for the opportunity to grow in your guidance and Love.
Allow me to trust in you more, Father.
Not want, not expect just trust and believe in your power and goodness.
I LOVE YOU!
Sunday, October 25, 2009
The strength God has been giving me is incredible.
I found the anxiety dying down everyday.
All it took was to remind myself everyday that my God has plans for me that are best.
At syempre, God has been doing His part.
He has been supplying with experiences that makes me put my anxiety on the backseat.
Truly, truly amazing!
I found the anxiety dying down everyday.
All it took was to remind myself everyday that my God has plans for me that are best.
At syempre, God has been doing His part.
He has been supplying with experiences that makes me put my anxiety on the backseat.
Truly, truly amazing!
Friday, October 23, 2009
Wednesday, October 21, 2009
See, I want to be okay.
I'm writing to tell something about my anxiety.
And I don't know where to begin.
I remember him leaving for camp 4 or 5 months ago.
I remember completely what happened the last time we met before he left.
I remember completely how we were.
I remember how we were talking over the phone days before he left.
I remember how we were talking in the first few days of his stay there.
I remember almost the very line he told me on his first day there when I asked him about his co-campers, he said they were okay but he'd prefer to be in the company of that one person he wanted to be with - that one person he wanted to be with was me.
I remember how we would tell me almost everyday that he misses me, that he can't wait to get home.
I remember how every good night was sealed with an i love you.
I remember how we would make believe that we were in each other's arms every night. "Halika nga dito. Tulog ka sa tabi ko."
I remember these things very well.
Every sweet, little thing.
But I remember every bitter bit as well.
Weeks passed and I found myself waiting for the i miss you's to come.
Weeks passed and I found myself not waking up to a good morning nor sleeping with a good night.
Weeks passed and I found myself seeing things slowly change.
Weeks passed and I found myself looking for the Caleb who promised to come back.
And then camp was over.
He came back but not as he has promised.
He came back to break all his promises.
Skyflakes.
Boracay.
Paris.
The 5 lifetimes more.
After a month... ALL GONE.
I still cry at the thought of it, yes.
But I try to pick myself up whenever I remember the reason he has given me... it was a command from Him.
It took me months to absorb this.
Up until present, honestly, the sponge in me tries to squeeze it out still once in a while.
Today, he's leaving again.
Leaving again for camp.
And I have never been as anxious.
Anxious yes because I no longer want surprises when he gets back again.
But more anxious on how I'll be able to go through it once more.
See, I want to be okay.
At peace in the knowledge that My God has everything under control.
I want to completely surrender it to Him.
Submit to Him my worries.
Believe in what He has reminded me yesterday that there is a reward to obedience.
Believe in His promises, that His plans are best.
I want to forget about what happened the last time.
I want to forget about the broken promises.
The aborted plans.
I just really really want to start over.
I just want to be okay.
I really, really, really want to surrender.
And just go through this with the knowledge that the man I love, loves God more than anything else, more than anyone else. And that this is the very thing that God wants of me - to love Him more than anything else, more than anyone else.
To trust Him over others.
To believe in His promises and not in others'.
Father, I plead before you.
I am weak but You are strong and from You, let me draw strength.
Father, keep me close. Keep me very, very, very close.
Make it easier, lovelier this time, Father.
No more tears, Father. Just genuine delight in what he is experiencing there.
In the thought that he is becoming a blessing there.
Father, please.
Keep me very, very, very close.
Continue to remind me that You are God so that I may be still in the knowledge of it.
And I don't know where to begin.
I remember him leaving for camp 4 or 5 months ago.
I remember completely what happened the last time we met before he left.
I remember completely how we were.
I remember how we were talking over the phone days before he left.
I remember how we were talking in the first few days of his stay there.
I remember almost the very line he told me on his first day there when I asked him about his co-campers, he said they were okay but he'd prefer to be in the company of that one person he wanted to be with - that one person he wanted to be with was me.
I remember how we would tell me almost everyday that he misses me, that he can't wait to get home.
I remember how every good night was sealed with an i love you.
I remember how we would make believe that we were in each other's arms every night. "Halika nga dito. Tulog ka sa tabi ko."
I remember these things very well.
Every sweet, little thing.
But I remember every bitter bit as well.
Weeks passed and I found myself waiting for the i miss you's to come.
Weeks passed and I found myself not waking up to a good morning nor sleeping with a good night.
Weeks passed and I found myself seeing things slowly change.
Weeks passed and I found myself looking for the Caleb who promised to come back.
And then camp was over.
He came back but not as he has promised.
He came back to break all his promises.
Skyflakes.
Boracay.
Paris.
The 5 lifetimes more.
After a month... ALL GONE.
I still cry at the thought of it, yes.
But I try to pick myself up whenever I remember the reason he has given me... it was a command from Him.
It took me months to absorb this.
Up until present, honestly, the sponge in me tries to squeeze it out still once in a while.
Today, he's leaving again.
Leaving again for camp.
And I have never been as anxious.
Anxious yes because I no longer want surprises when he gets back again.
But more anxious on how I'll be able to go through it once more.
See, I want to be okay.
At peace in the knowledge that My God has everything under control.
I want to completely surrender it to Him.
Submit to Him my worries.
Believe in what He has reminded me yesterday that there is a reward to obedience.
Believe in His promises, that His plans are best.
I want to forget about what happened the last time.
I want to forget about the broken promises.
The aborted plans.
I just really really want to start over.
I just want to be okay.
I really, really, really want to surrender.
And just go through this with the knowledge that the man I love, loves God more than anything else, more than anyone else. And that this is the very thing that God wants of me - to love Him more than anything else, more than anyone else.
To trust Him over others.
To believe in His promises and not in others'.
Father, I plead before you.
I am weak but You are strong and from You, let me draw strength.
Father, keep me close. Keep me very, very, very close.
Make it easier, lovelier this time, Father.
No more tears, Father. Just genuine delight in what he is experiencing there.
In the thought that he is becoming a blessing there.
Father, please.
Keep me very, very, very close.
Continue to remind me that You are God so that I may be still in the knowledge of it.
Wednesday, October 7, 2009
Jeremiah 29 on my Post It
Jeremiah's letter to the Exiles is such a pleasant reminder.
The Lord said they will be put in exile, outside Babylon for 70 years.
70 long years but He promises to bring them back.
Meanwhile, He told them to build houses, settle down, plant their gardens, marry, have wives and sons... increase and not decrease.
"I know my plans for you," declares the Lord, "Plans to prosper you and not to harm you. Plans to give you hope and a future. Then you will call upon me and come and pray to me, and I will listen to you. You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart."
Jeremiah 29:11-13
I believe that this is God's way of answering my questions.
Questions about what to do, what he wants?
God tells me it will be long. "It will be long but I have a promise to you of which I will remain true.Meanwhile, here's what you do. Seek Me first! Grow! Grow in faith! Be a disciple. Be salt and light to the world. Disciple! Increase. Increase.
Do this and I shall have my promise to you fulfilled. I'll have my plans for you done, plans that are best for you."
Thank You, Father!
Thank You so much.
In my life, Your will be done.
The Lord said they will be put in exile, outside Babylon for 70 years.
70 long years but He promises to bring them back.
Meanwhile, He told them to build houses, settle down, plant their gardens, marry, have wives and sons... increase and not decrease.
"I know my plans for you," declares the Lord, "Plans to prosper you and not to harm you. Plans to give you hope and a future. Then you will call upon me and come and pray to me, and I will listen to you. You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart."
Jeremiah 29:11-13
I believe that this is God's way of answering my questions.
Questions about what to do, what he wants?
God tells me it will be long. "It will be long but I have a promise to you of which I will remain true.Meanwhile, here's what you do. Seek Me first! Grow! Grow in faith! Be a disciple. Be salt and light to the world. Disciple! Increase. Increase.
Do this and I shall have my promise to you fulfilled. I'll have my plans for you done, plans that are best for you."
Thank You, Father!
Thank You so much.
In my life, Your will be done.
Tuesday, October 6, 2009
God deserves a Thank You Award!
Thank You Father for rebuking me today.
Not just once but twice.
My discipler reminded me to have longer and deeper quiet times. And for some reason, I felt a sort of reprimanding tone when she said it kahit pa SMS lang sya. Or probably, I associated such a tone because I was guilty.
Since the many Ondoy's that have happened in the past week - the literal typhoon and the figurative emotional typhoon I had - I felt a little detached from God. I'd love to dub it as my rebellious state. My prayers were quick. My bible reading sessions were as quick. I read devotionals but didn't really reflect on them. I was pretty much shutting off.
WRONG. Very wrong.
When I was at my weakest, I refused to draw strength from Him who is strongest.
And the enemy rejoiced at my weakness, lured me into doing things he presented as helping.
Committing sin. Whining. Complaining. Sulking. Jealousy. Hatred.Selfishness.
Helping? What was I thinking?
Today, I was reminded to spend more time with my Father. Reminded that I should be longing for no other embrace but His.
Also, in the devotional I have read today, I was as well reminded to maintain a thankful heart.
“In everything give thanks for this is the will of God in Christ Jesus concerning you.” 1 Thessalonians 5:18
I may not really find myself convinced that what happened between me and Love was a direct order. But whether it was a misinterpretation on Love's part or his own desire or just something I don't buy, I believe that it was God's blessing to make it happen.
It hurts, yes. It continues to hurt.
But I am blessed by the fact that I am able to continue despite the hurt.
That I am able to praise and serve despite the hurt.
That I am able to become Love's friend despite the hurt.
That I am able to work despite the hurt.
So to say, it is the blessing of strength that He has provided.
The blessing of discernment and maturity.
It has been my greatest challenge so far.
It has been a challenge to stay in God's will since it has happened.
A challenge to continue to have a thankful heart despite the hurt.
But I know my God will not leave me.
I know my God's plan for me is best.
My God knows my heart.
My God knows the depths, every corner of it.
My God knows when to call it over.
My God knows when to say I can still have a little more.
My God knows me, every inch, every cell, every hair strand.
He knows what is FOR ME.
And I am thankful to have a Father who knows me this well.
Father, more than anyone else, You deserve a THANK YOU award!
Father, thank You.
Thank You for what you've been allowing me to experience.
They are breaking me, Father but You are my source strength.
They are making me give up, Father but You are my hope.
Not just once but twice.
My discipler reminded me to have longer and deeper quiet times. And for some reason, I felt a sort of reprimanding tone when she said it kahit pa SMS lang sya. Or probably, I associated such a tone because I was guilty.
Since the many Ondoy's that have happened in the past week - the literal typhoon and the figurative emotional typhoon I had - I felt a little detached from God. I'd love to dub it as my rebellious state. My prayers were quick. My bible reading sessions were as quick. I read devotionals but didn't really reflect on them. I was pretty much shutting off.
WRONG. Very wrong.
When I was at my weakest, I refused to draw strength from Him who is strongest.
And the enemy rejoiced at my weakness, lured me into doing things he presented as helping.
Committing sin. Whining. Complaining. Sulking. Jealousy. Hatred.Selfishness.
Helping? What was I thinking?
Today, I was reminded to spend more time with my Father. Reminded that I should be longing for no other embrace but His.
Also, in the devotional I have read today, I was as well reminded to maintain a thankful heart.
“In everything give thanks for this is the will of God in Christ Jesus concerning you.” 1 Thessalonians 5:18
I may not really find myself convinced that what happened between me and Love was a direct order. But whether it was a misinterpretation on Love's part or his own desire or just something I don't buy, I believe that it was God's blessing to make it happen.
It hurts, yes. It continues to hurt.
But I am blessed by the fact that I am able to continue despite the hurt.
That I am able to praise and serve despite the hurt.
That I am able to become Love's friend despite the hurt.
That I am able to work despite the hurt.
So to say, it is the blessing of strength that He has provided.
The blessing of discernment and maturity.
It has been my greatest challenge so far.
It has been a challenge to stay in God's will since it has happened.
A challenge to continue to have a thankful heart despite the hurt.
But I know my God will not leave me.
I know my God's plan for me is best.
My God knows my heart.
My God knows the depths, every corner of it.
My God knows when to call it over.
My God knows when to say I can still have a little more.
My God knows me, every inch, every cell, every hair strand.
He knows what is FOR ME.
And I am thankful to have a Father who knows me this well.
Father, more than anyone else, You deserve a THANK YOU award!
Father, thank You.
Thank You for what you've been allowing me to experience.
They are breaking me, Father but You are my source strength.
They are making me give up, Father but You are my hope.
Monday, October 5, 2009
I know You listen.
Lord,
I fell short of your glory once more.
I knew it would happen. I knew the enemy would let it happen again.
And I allowed it.
I gave in, Father.
I gave in.
I've disappointed you again, shamed you.
Gave you something you didn't deserve.
After all the favor you've bestowed upon me, this is what I have offered.
Forgive me, father.
Forgive me.
Help me change, Father.
Be my strength.
Be my strength, Father for I know that you are stronger than the enemy.
Your ways are good, Father. And his are not.
Father let me give in to nothing but your ways.
Nothing but your ways.
Help me put my full trust in you, Father so that nothing may lure me, Lord God, into getting the desires of my hearts using ways that you don't advise.
Father, teach me how to really surrender.
Everything, Father, every hurt, every pain, every inkling, every desire, every need, Father.
Everything that I am, Father, let me offer you.
Take me, Father. Take everything that I am, Father.
Your daughter here needs you.
She's drenched in pain. Drowning in confusion. Drowning uncertainty.
Embrace her father. Hold her.
Take away her suffering. Bring peace to her heart.
Shout to her Father that there is certainty, Father. That what's certain is that your plans for her are best. That you are God who keeps His promises and since you've promised her an abundant life, that, you will give her, Father.
Come to her, Father.
Come to me, Father.
I need you.
I need you.
Your daughter,'
Rorie
I fell short of your glory once more.
I knew it would happen. I knew the enemy would let it happen again.
And I allowed it.
I gave in, Father.
I gave in.
I've disappointed you again, shamed you.
Gave you something you didn't deserve.
After all the favor you've bestowed upon me, this is what I have offered.
Forgive me, father.
Forgive me.
Help me change, Father.
Be my strength.
Be my strength, Father for I know that you are stronger than the enemy.
Your ways are good, Father. And his are not.
Father let me give in to nothing but your ways.
Nothing but your ways.
Help me put my full trust in you, Father so that nothing may lure me, Lord God, into getting the desires of my hearts using ways that you don't advise.
Father, teach me how to really surrender.
Everything, Father, every hurt, every pain, every inkling, every desire, every need, Father.
Everything that I am, Father, let me offer you.
Take me, Father. Take everything that I am, Father.
Your daughter here needs you.
She's drenched in pain. Drowning in confusion. Drowning uncertainty.
Embrace her father. Hold her.
Take away her suffering. Bring peace to her heart.
Shout to her Father that there is certainty, Father. That what's certain is that your plans for her are best. That you are God who keeps His promises and since you've promised her an abundant life, that, you will give her, Father.
Come to her, Father.
Come to me, Father.
I need you.
I need you.
Your daughter,'
Rorie
Friday, October 2, 2009
Dear Love
It's been 4 months love.
It's been 4 months since you went away and left me with a person you wanted me to call mommy.
Mommy is okay.
He texts me everyday.
He greets me good morning.
He bids me good night.
He asks me if I'm okay.
He tells me stories.
He makes me smile.
He makes me laugh.
He reminds me to take care.
He would hug me when we meet.
He would kiss me sometimes.
He would put his arms around me when we walk.
He would hold my hand at times.
He assisted me to the office one time.
Mommy treated me to isaw one time too.
But Love, most of the time, i still look for you.
You text me everyday, love and told me you love me as well everyday.
You greet me good morning, love. You greet me good morning with love. Am I still your sunshine?
You always ask me if i'm okay, love. And you'd comfort me everytime I'd say I'm not and each time I don't say I'm not.
You tell me stories, love. A lot of stories. Every single story you have. You used to tell me everything. Razorgirl made turtleboy come out of his shell, right? Mommy is in his shell.
You always make me smile, love. Just the thought of you. You make me smile with just a stare. Mommy cannot look at me in the eye. Not as lovingly as you did in the few times he did/tried.
You always make me laugh, love. You might be corny, love pero benta sakin lahat. I sometimes find mommy corny.
You didn't just remind me to take care, love but you took care of me in prayer, in presence and in spirit. I don't think mommy cared as much.
You loved to hug me, love. Didn't you? You loved hugging me around my waist and I loved you doing that. You loved me hugging you too, love, right? Especially when I do it to surprise you. Remember how we used to fall asleep in each other's arms? Our arms used to be each other's security blanket. I can be mommy's, but Mommy's hug didn't make me feel as secure.
Do you remember how we loved to kiss? And how each kiss shouted 'i love you'? Mommy kisses me but I don't know why he does it.
You always put your arms around me, love. Again, I've always felt secured. Mommy does the same but he's not able to make me feel the same.
You loved holding my hand, love and I loved holding yours too. Holding it made me feel that I have you. I sometimes hold mommy's hand, but I still have a feeling that he'll go away in no time.
You did a lot of special things for me love.
You walked me home, carried me home (remember how we used to enjoy the piggy back rides?). You always left sweet notes on my planner love.
You always put me to sleep. You helped me with my thesis too love.
You didn't sleep for my BC 197 music video.
You cried with me love. Remember the many times we did that together?
There are a lot more things I remember, love. Things you did for me. Things we did together.
I miss you love.
I can't even begin to tell you how much.
I miss everything you made me feel.
I miss everything about you, everything about us.
Mommy is okay love. But I would still prefer you over him.
When are you coming back, love? Or are you still coming back?
Do you think of me too, love?
Do you still remember me?
Do you still look for me?
Do you still pray for me?
Love?
Love?
It's been 4 months since you went away and left me with a person you wanted me to call mommy.
Mommy is okay.
He texts me everyday.
He greets me good morning.
He bids me good night.
He asks me if I'm okay.
He tells me stories.
He makes me smile.
He makes me laugh.
He reminds me to take care.
He would hug me when we meet.
He would kiss me sometimes.
He would put his arms around me when we walk.
He would hold my hand at times.
He assisted me to the office one time.
Mommy treated me to isaw one time too.
But Love, most of the time, i still look for you.
You text me everyday, love and told me you love me as well everyday.
You greet me good morning, love. You greet me good morning with love. Am I still your sunshine?
You always ask me if i'm okay, love. And you'd comfort me everytime I'd say I'm not and each time I don't say I'm not.
You tell me stories, love. A lot of stories. Every single story you have. You used to tell me everything. Razorgirl made turtleboy come out of his shell, right? Mommy is in his shell.
You always make me smile, love. Just the thought of you. You make me smile with just a stare. Mommy cannot look at me in the eye. Not as lovingly as you did in the few times he did/tried.
You always make me laugh, love. You might be corny, love pero benta sakin lahat. I sometimes find mommy corny.
You didn't just remind me to take care, love but you took care of me in prayer, in presence and in spirit. I don't think mommy cared as much.
You loved to hug me, love. Didn't you? You loved hugging me around my waist and I loved you doing that. You loved me hugging you too, love, right? Especially when I do it to surprise you. Remember how we used to fall asleep in each other's arms? Our arms used to be each other's security blanket. I can be mommy's, but Mommy's hug didn't make me feel as secure.
Do you remember how we loved to kiss? And how each kiss shouted 'i love you'? Mommy kisses me but I don't know why he does it.
You always put your arms around me, love. Again, I've always felt secured. Mommy does the same but he's not able to make me feel the same.
You loved holding my hand, love and I loved holding yours too. Holding it made me feel that I have you. I sometimes hold mommy's hand, but I still have a feeling that he'll go away in no time.
You did a lot of special things for me love.
You walked me home, carried me home (remember how we used to enjoy the piggy back rides?). You always left sweet notes on my planner love.
You always put me to sleep. You helped me with my thesis too love.
You didn't sleep for my BC 197 music video.
You cried with me love. Remember the many times we did that together?
There are a lot more things I remember, love. Things you did for me. Things we did together.
I miss you love.
I can't even begin to tell you how much.
I miss everything you made me feel.
I miss everything about you, everything about us.
Mommy is okay love. But I would still prefer you over him.
When are you coming back, love? Or are you still coming back?
Do you think of me too, love?
Do you still remember me?
Do you still look for me?
Do you still pray for me?
Love?
Love?
Wednesday, September 30, 2009
Love,
Don't be angry but I'm crying as I am writing this.
I miss you so much, love. When are you coming back?
Why did you force me into being with someone I didn't want to be with?
Love, do you know how much it pains me? You left without a warning, love. I thought you'll be gone for just a month. Love, I waited, though not as patiently as you wanted me too but I did love. I waited. It was the longest month of my life, love. Love, why didn't you come back? I was waiting. I was waiting for you. I WAS FREAKING WAITING FOR YOU.
Do you remember how we talked about how we'll go about things after graduation? You told me not to worry, love. You said graduation meant we're closer to getting married. You told me not to worry, love. You told me! YOU FREAKING TOLD ME! And i heard you say 'married'.
Love, who is this person you left me with? He doesn't take care of me like you do, love. He doesn't like spending as much time with me like you do. In the few hours that we spend in a week, love, he would not pay as much attention to me. Love, you didn't text when I was around. You just wanted to spend time with me. The person you left me with does that. With only a few hours to spend with me, he chooses to be distracted. Love, he didn't like me as much as you did. Well, you didn't like me, love. You loved me. And I was your favorite love, right? I am not his. His cellphone kind of communicated that to me. I don't like this new person love. He made me think a lot, even of the littlest things - where he is, how he is doing, who he is with. This new person didn't like to share a lot. This new person is even hiding me from the world he is in. Love, I see him check the area when we're together. His eyes subtly go around as if scanning for people he knows. I'm sure this new person doesn't mention my name in front of his friends, maybe even infront of his family. Love, why did you leave me with someone who doesn't want to be with me? You wanted to be with me, didn't you? You were proud of me? You even wanted your parents to meet me? And we always talked about forever, love, remember? This new person is only concerned about not getting anyone angry with him.
Love, i don't want him. Come back. Come back. Or atleast, teach him to be a little like you. To care for me, love. Sana marunong din sya maglambing, love like you do. Sana pwede ko din sya lambingin. Love, I miss being your princess.
Love, don't leave me with him forever. Or do you plan to, love? Let me know. Let me FREAKING know!
Don't be angry but I'm crying as I am writing this.
I miss you so much, love. When are you coming back?
Why did you force me into being with someone I didn't want to be with?
Love, do you know how much it pains me? You left without a warning, love. I thought you'll be gone for just a month. Love, I waited, though not as patiently as you wanted me too but I did love. I waited. It was the longest month of my life, love. Love, why didn't you come back? I was waiting. I was waiting for you. I WAS FREAKING WAITING FOR YOU.
Do you remember how we talked about how we'll go about things after graduation? You told me not to worry, love. You said graduation meant we're closer to getting married. You told me not to worry, love. You told me! YOU FREAKING TOLD ME! And i heard you say 'married'.
Love, who is this person you left me with? He doesn't take care of me like you do, love. He doesn't like spending as much time with me like you do. In the few hours that we spend in a week, love, he would not pay as much attention to me. Love, you didn't text when I was around. You just wanted to spend time with me. The person you left me with does that. With only a few hours to spend with me, he chooses to be distracted. Love, he didn't like me as much as you did. Well, you didn't like me, love. You loved me. And I was your favorite love, right? I am not his. His cellphone kind of communicated that to me. I don't like this new person love. He made me think a lot, even of the littlest things - where he is, how he is doing, who he is with. This new person didn't like to share a lot. This new person is even hiding me from the world he is in. Love, I see him check the area when we're together. His eyes subtly go around as if scanning for people he knows. I'm sure this new person doesn't mention my name in front of his friends, maybe even infront of his family. Love, why did you leave me with someone who doesn't want to be with me? You wanted to be with me, didn't you? You were proud of me? You even wanted your parents to meet me? And we always talked about forever, love, remember? This new person is only concerned about not getting anyone angry with him.
Love, i don't want him. Come back. Come back. Or atleast, teach him to be a little like you. To care for me, love. Sana marunong din sya maglambing, love like you do. Sana pwede ko din sya lambingin. Love, I miss being your princess.
Love, don't leave me with him forever. Or do you plan to, love? Let me know. Let me FREAKING know!
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