Why did it take me so long to realize all these?

"God give us the grace to accept with serenity the things that cannot be changed, courage to change the things that should be changed and wisdom to distinguish the one from another."

I can't tell how many times I've thought of him over the past months. All I know is that I thought of him a lot. As I am writing this, I actually am thinking of him (but in a really different light this time). I don't know what will change when he reads this. Pardon, this is just me wanting to let everything out in the open and from here, get on with my life without the baggages.

My heart ached because of him and this is not the first time. My heart ached because of him already before but I managed to get over. But just when I thought, I got over. Something slapped me in the face and made me realize, "Shite man, you're not over bleep bleep yet."

Worse, my heart was not just aching because of him but my heart was aching for him at the same time. Someone hurt him and it hurt me because he is still hurt. (Vague? pardon the flaw in sentence construction.)

I was made to believe that one, like I said, I got over him (think: first offense) and two, that he was over her as well. For a time there, I assumed that (in a then i thought platonic way) we were getting strength from each other.

He was my one constant. One person I draw strength from. But after the slap-in-the-face event, i felt totally flushed out of his life. And more, I felt the need to get out of his life without much of an explanation. Figured that, nothing's working. that it's not me who can aid his weakness. that it's not at all from me that he could draw the strength that he needs.

and just the same. it's not from him that I could draw the strength that i need.

I said I was over. I told myself, convinced myself that I was over but I wasn't. I was just saying that, but what I was really doing was letting myself fall deeper. Then, I wasn't merely happy because of the friendship. I was also happy because of the hope that the situation gave me.

it wasn't just friendship-friendship but friendship with expected benefits.

And now, i put an end to that very unhealthy kind of relationship. I will never stop hurting unless I put an end to it. It's not what I deserve. It's not what he deserves. It's not what we both deserve.

We were made to become friends and darn it, we are so good at being friends. In being just friends, that's where we genuinely draw strength from each other. That is where he becomes my real one constant.

This where the light is. In this kind of set-up. He is my buddy and I am his. It's foolish, stupid, of me to opt for something else. Because it will never, it didn't and will never work.

Now. Here.
This is where I put an end to my foolish, not-helping, self-inflicted pain. This is where I wash out my picture of him as that man i wanted in my memory. This is where I let go of everything and leave nothing but friendship.
This is where I move on and start really living.

This is where I say goodbye. This is where my everyday debates with myself end.


This is where my life will start to change.